Divorce is something that i am all too familiar with. My parents divorced right before i turned six, so i don't remember a lot of the specifics. However, i do remember growing up and wondering why we only saw dad on Saturdays for only a certain amount of time.
Something that parent's don't think about enough when they are considering divorce is the effect it will have on their children. Children are greatly affected when change happens in their life no matter how "well prepared" they are for it. They experience confusion because their routine has now been changed. They now only see one parent rarely where before they had that security in their life knowing both parents were around to support them. Many times divorce is simply the easy way out of a tough situation. We were not taught by our Heavenly Father that if things got hard, then it was ok to throw in the towel and give up just that easily. Many times after couples have divorced, when asked about it they say they probably should have tried harder to make the marriage work. I believe that if people who are considering divorce stop for a moment and really think about the major consequences that divorce will have on them AND their children, i would hope that there would be fewer divorces every year. As a final thought, i do believe that divorce can be necessary, especially when abuse is involved. HOWEVER, that is only after everything has been done to prevent such an action, such as marriage counseling, anger management therapy, etc. As for me, i have already made the promise to myself that i will never consider divorce as an actual option. If there is a hardship, i will do my personal best to make sure that i communicate my thoughts, feelings, and concerns with my husband. I want to have constant communication with him about everything. If all he needs me to do is listen, then i will listen and be there for him in whatever aspect comes our way. I took a child development class my first year of college. I left that class with one main question on my mind, "How will i know what my children will need and how do i make sure i don't spoil them rotten?" (ok fine it was 2 questions).
One of the things that impacted me was a video we watched called, "Babies" or something like that. It talked about different cultures and how they raise their children. One culture (somewhere in Africa) wouldn't come running every time their baby cried. Not out of neglect but they had to work. Eventually the child became a very well mannered baby and happy child. However, in America whenever this certain baby cried her parents would come running. As this baby grew up she would cry over nothing and learned that she could manipulate her parents. I saw that and i never wanted to raise a child that would cry just to use her parents. I know my logic is probably strange, but this week in our class we talked about needs that children had. There were 4 main things discussed that children need: -Contact and Belonging -Power -Protection -Withdrawl With contact and belonging we discussed how parents should offer contact freely. I totally agree, but i guess physical contact is different than what i'm wondering about :) Anyway my motivation to be a better parent was strengthened because of what we discussed this week :) Coming from first hand experience i KNOW that there are negative consequences to not having a father in the home, especially in the growing up years.
For one there seems to be a distrust/barrier between you and your dad or even men in general. My dad wasn't around, and as a side-effect it took me YEARS to finally learn how to open myself up emotionally. I'm not saying that all came from not having a dad in our home, but it was a major part of it. Another thing is it affected how i saw my mom. She had to be the parent, she had to discipline, she had to budget the money, she had to cook all the meals, do the homework and projects, dealt with all the sick days, all the arguments, etc. etc. etc. Dad? Nah he was the "disney land dad" who would take us out to eat all the time, we'd go watch movies, play games, have all the fun in the world. When we came back to mom, she was "the bad guy" in our young eyes because we didn't have as much fun as we did with dad. I know that having two parents in the home help the kids realize that there is discipline that needs to happen, but there is fun as well. It doesn't all rest on one parent or the other, but they are both equal partners. There are still things even i have to work through with my dad today, but i feel that i have learned some really important lessons by not having him around when i was growing up. For one i know what i want to look for in a future husband. I know what kind of things i want to talk to any guy i date about children and how they are raised. I know what signs to look for that could mean trouble in the future. All in all, even though not having my dad around as a kid, i feel that i have grown a lot from my past and now have some great tools to help me in my future. You know something that is pretty neat? The FACT that you can never not communicate. Everything we do, whether it's with our eyes, mouth, face, body movement, tone of voice, etc. is always communicating something. Don't believe me? Here is only once quick example. There are no words, so how do we know that the penguin is annoyed? Or that the yellow birds are confused after their friend disappears? Or that they are scared when the whale appears?
This is what is called non-verbal communication. It is so fascinating to me! This kind of communication can be misinterpreted so easily. Think about a time when you have tried to communicate something by the tone of your voice, or a look, but the other person either took it the wrong way, or they didn't get what you were trying to say at all. Often times misinterpretation can lead to conflict in relationships. Can conflict be a good thing?...........hmmmm....... I guess if you look at it as a growing opportunity it can be a good thing. For example: -It can help us see different perspectives -It can help us gain new information -It can help us become closer in our intimate relationships, which strengthens it -It helps us see in the value in differing views There is something that i have tried to ingrain into my mind, "Everything happens for a reason." If conflict is happening, well then what good can i take out of it and apply into my life? When i was serving my mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, i would often get this question, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" In the beginning i wasn't sure how to answer. I still don't have the perfect answer for everyone. There could be a number of reasons for why certain things happen to different people. However, i've come to realize something, There is usually always something to be learned when we have a trial to face. Does this apply to trials or stress in marriage? Absolutely. A few examples of how this can be beneficial in a marriage could be: -It is an opportunity for the couple to grow and to strengthen their relationship -It could be to teach them humility -It could help them become more teachable -It could help them learn that others have agency and they need to respect that There was a TED Talk clip that my teacher showed us in class this week. It brought up something that surprised me and made me think a little bit. This lady was showing how stress can actually be good for us. Those who thought stress was a bad thing, died sooner......wait what? Watch it yourself, because she does a fabulous job at describing it :) Stress is a hard thing to understand, but one thing that always helps me put a perspective on my situation is this reminder to myself,
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO LEARN FROM THIS? There are many stories we hear of where the spouse of a couple finds their "one true love" after they are married and ends up leaving the relationship. Where does this infidelity start? There were several things brought up in our class this week that i hadn't thought of before, such as:
-entertaining thoughts of someone else -fantasizing about someone else -pornography -visual stimulations -literature (yes even literature can lead to infidelity) -emotional connection, leading to a romantic connection Is it simply because we look at someone else that this process begins? I think not. In my personal opinion, when we get married we need to set a clear boundary for ourselves, as well as with our spouse, on what is good for both of us, and what will keep us together and away from temptation. My teacher this week gave a great example from his life. When he was still in school he worked with a girl that was in most if not all of his classes. He was not physically attracted to her, but worked with her often enough where he would have to communicate with her regularly. At some point his wife made the comment that she felt uncomfortable with how regularly he was having communication with this other woman. My teacher didn't see why this was a big deal because he wasn't physically attracted to this other girl and didn't see it as a problem. However, through someone else's eyes he was able to perceive what his wife was seeing. He then apologized and asked this other girl to ask questions to someone other than him. Did that make sense? Basically we need to work with our spouse and set boundaries so that nothing can be misinterpreted. When we do that, it'll save us a lot of hurt. I'm not married, but i have learned so much from so many different people on "what they wish they had known before they were married."
I wonder if many people think about married life, before they actually get married. This past week we had the opportunity to think about things that might become a problem within the first month, year, and after the first child was born in a marriage. First Month: -Sleeping arrangements: are you ready to sleep with someone who lives at 100 degrees Fahrenheit when you like sleeping in 40 degree weather? -Eating habits: what do they really look like when they eat since they don't have to impress you anymore? Is there a way to preview that before hand? -Cleaning habits: what does their apartment or home look like before you get married. Try and see that before hand so it doesn't come as such a shock to you later. -Spiritual life: have you talked about if your going to read the scriptures together? How about family prayer? Family Home Evening? First Year: -Holiday situation: how often are you going to see each other's parent's? Are you going to share holidays or try and build your own family traditions? -Problem solving: how does your new spouse handle stress or contention? Have you had an opportunity to see this side of them before you get married? -Decision Making: do you both have equal voices concerning major decisions, like money, where you'll live, what you can buy, etc. After the first child: -Do you both understand that responsibilities of each parent goes up after the first child. Does the husband recognize the new responsibility his wife now has, and does he understand his role in raising this child? Does the wife understand that she still needs to include her husband, and not to shut him out. Do both parents realize the stress that will inevitably happen, and do they have a plan to help with that when it happens? All in all, i hope to continue to be aware of these potential problems so that i am able to communicate with my husband so that we can have a plan to help each other. This is actually a topic that i find FASCINATING!! I first learned the difference between what we call "love" vs. "attraction" several months ago. My teacher explained it like this:
When we think of love we usually think of the kind of love between male and female, there's kissing involved, cuddling, hand holding, and eventually sex right? However, that kind of love is not applied to everything. You love your mom, but you don't ever feel the desire to kiss and make out with her right? So if that's not love then what have we got wrong? Well the difference is attraction is what makes us crave the physical pleasure, and love is the deep emotional connection with have with close people around us. I totally had an "ah ha" moment when i learned that. It makes perfect sense! Love is what you have with your family, friends, etc. Attraction is that silly stuff we have when we are first getting to know someone that we like, and the true love comes later when our hormones aren't getting in the way :) Well, this past week we went even further into the topic of love. According to one theory love can be divided into 4 different areas; Eros, Philia, Storge, and Agape. Eros: explains the term erotic or the romantic and sexual reactions to people. It is more like a sensation that we feel. Philia: is like brotherly love, or love between friends. You can be intimate and close without the erotic feeling. Go Philadelphia!!!!!! (which means brotherly love ) :) Stoge: with the feeling that parents have for their children. Agape: is the kind of love for people that you do service for, or an overall feeling of love for people. If you know any LDS missionaries, we easily fall into this kind of love for the people that we teach and serve while we are away from home for 18 months to 2 years. These 4 different kinds of love are distinct and wonderful. I feel that we can feel each of these in different ways, and that makes us capable of loving so many different kinds of people. Here's a scenario:
You know a boy who all growing up, for one reason or another, never seemed to be.....how do we say it......socially accepted. Then later in life, you find out that he has decided he is homosexual, or he has those tendencies. For many people their first response would be similar too, "Oh well then he was born that way, or that's his way of expressing his inner self." Do you ever hear someone say, "I hope he is ok? Does he want to change? Is he aware that changing is an option?" We rarely ever hear in the media of people who express the desire to change their homosexual tendencies, or situations where people have changed their desires, voluntarily might i add. Let's take a more detailed look on our first scenario. We'll call the boy, Jeremy. Jeremy has older brothers that have always picked on him. His mother is very domineering, and his father never seems to have time for him. At school, Jeremy isn't very good at sports and then gets teased by the other boys for being a wimp. At some point in his childhood, Jeremy starts to feel disconnected from his peers, brothers, and father. He starts to believe that there MUST be something wrong with him for others to treat him this way. He starts to wonder what's wrong with him? Then he starts to notice things he admires or is jealous of in other men. "Wow he's got a great build, and i don't." or "He's so good at sports, etc." It starts as jealously, then admiration, then closer connection, and so on and so forth. He then decided that, "Wow....i must be homosexual because i like guys, and feel a deeper connection with them. I guess i'm gay." Hold up.......didn't we just see that what was lacking was a connection to boys? It's not a lack of sexual connection, but relationship connection. I'm not very good at explaining things, but what i'm trying to get at is that some people who have homosexual tendencies don't desire the feelings they seem to have towards members of their own sex. It's something they feel must be true because of the way they are treated. However, there are many people who wish that they didn't have those feelings. This may not be the case for everyone, but i hope that we can come to realize that the cop-out answer of, "Oh they must be born that way, or it's some kind of sick pleasure they have" is NOT necessarily true. Food for thought. |
Hey I'm Lisa!
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